The good
news: we, as a culture, are getting better at recognizing once-commonly-used
words and phrases that are, at best, not helpful, and at worst, damaging.
I recall a
Woodstock Halloween parade in the mid-‘aughts at which two kindergarteners –
one being my son – dressed as female characters they loved. My son was Buttercup
the Power Puff Girl and his friend was a witch, with a pointy hat, a broom, a
black dress and cape, and fake fingernails. Not one person said anything
disparaging to either of them. (To be fair, they may not have realized they
were boys.) Almost two decades later, they’re both fine.
Of course
not every Hudson Valley neighborhood would be as understanding of gender
bending boys as Woodstock. And, as much progress as the general population has
made, old attitudes of what to say to boys are still common. In fact, parents often
unwittingly utter things to their sons they feel are harmless, but are not.
Writing
for Fatherly, Jeremy Brown notes: “Sometimes in the telling
are common phrases or clichéd ideas that are based on outdated or
wrongheaded assumptions and are inherently toxic. Especially when speaking to
boys. We still have a tendency to raise our boys with age-old male
stereotypes in place. In an effort to raise strong boys, parents can
inadvertently create damaged men.”
Licensed
Professional counselor Anahid Lisa Derbabian concurs: “Rigid beliefs about what
a boy is can be very detrimental to a child, as boys come in all shapes and
sizes and a wide range of personalities, preferences, and natural leanings.
READ MORE: How choosing my words changed my parenting
When a
very specific template is presented to a boy as to what a boy or a man should
look like, sound like, act like, enjoy doing, etc., then naturally the boy may
often unconsciously try to emulate that, thereby ignoring their own natural
tendencies,” she says. “Alternatively, sometimes children may begin to resist
what is forced upon them, and in that very rebellion they actually may rebel
against what is naturally part of themselves.”
Some musts
to avoid:
- “You’re
too sensitive.”
- “Boys
don’t cry.”
- “Those
_________ are for girls.”
- “Why
can’t you be more like ________?”
- “You
play like a girl.”
- “You
must win.”
- “Boys
will be boys.”
Most of
these toxic phrases, which professionals explain and detail, boil down to
messages against vulnerability, and against truth, but in favor of anger over
all other emotions. Or, as marriage and family therapist Rachel D. Miller says:
“Part of why so many men struggle with relationships and managing their anger
is because we, as parents and a society, have told them that expressing
emotions other than anger shows weakness and being weak is not acceptable.
Anger is easier to grab than pain, sadness, or fear. And when all you are given
is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”
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