The
practice of “time out” – i.e. removing a misbehaving child to a quiet room to
be alone – is under re-evaluation. Writing for Popsugar, child psychologist and
mom of three children under the age of five, Jennifer Frechette, offers both
personal and professional perspective on this method. She reminds us the idea
is not to punish or humiliate, but to help a child learn to “self regulate.”
Rather than “time out,” she prefers the term “safe space.”
Frechette
cites a 2016 study that found approximately 76% of parents used time-out as a
form of discipline. “But more importantly,” she writes, “the survey found that
way parents define and implement time-outs is diverse.”
As a
parent and a former preschool teacher, I learned about time outs a little over
twenty years ago, when the term was still somewhat new. I learned that one size
does not fit all. I angrily placed my raging toddler son in a room by himself
once, and two decades-plus years later, I still feel like it was a mistake. He
got very, very upset, and did not, in fact, calm down. After that, I learned
how to redirect him. I.e., I talked sternly to him, and did not allow him to
play with certain things he wanted, but I didn’t shut him away by himself,
howling in protest. He became mostly very well behaved eventually.
READ MORE: Creating a calm down corner
At the
preschool, I frequently removed one spirited girl in particular from the group.
She had a hard time playing well with others. I would take her to a back room
and sit with her, talking in measured tones about what she’d done. She
eventually got herself together.
According
to Frechette, initiating a mindful dialog with a misbehaving child is key:
“First, the child should be asked if they are feeling angry, frustrated, or any
other feeling you may suspect,” she writes. “This helps give your child
the emotional vocabulary and also reminds them to check-in with their body
and feelings. If your child continues to escalate and begins to tantrum, calmly
and clearly (if you have any patience left) tell them they need to go to their
safe space.”
This safe
space, Frechette maintains, “should provide the child with a variety of sensory
tools to help them calm down. This may include a comfy sitting area, books,
music (try to avoid anything with screens), a punching pillow, a chalk board,
access to clay, weighted blanket, drawing tools or paint, yoga cards, or
mindfulness tools.”
After some
time, Frechette says checking in on the child is important, and asking them
questions. These respectful, but firm tactics, which should be employed
consistently, can go a long way to helping an unhappy kid find their way back.