When it comes to adoption, there’s no such thing as
“normal.” Just ask Christina and Kevin Kindt. The couple just had their
biological child in August, but they’re already parents to three other
children: 5-year-old Elizabeth and 3-year-old Natalie, both adopted as infants
from foster care, and a 1-year-old boy (name withheld), whose adoption from
foster care is still in progress.
Read more: What my adopted kids taught me
Though not the typical family, the Kindts are far from
alone. According to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, 2 percent of
American children are adopted. That means adoption — with numbers that large —
touches most families, schools and communities across the country.
Modern adoptive parents and adoptees won’t encounter many
of the old stigmas and biases that used to besiege adoptions. Not long ago,
“You’re adopted!” was the ultimate childhood insult, birth mothers were shamed
into hiding the pregnancy and lying about the birth, and adoptive parents kept
the matter a closely guarded family secret.
Read more: Are you ready to adopt?
After being shrouded in silence and secrecy for most of
its history, adoption is coming out of the shadows, becoming more mainstream
and more open, according to Adam Pertman, author of Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is
Transforming our Families — and America.
But would-be adoptive parents still face challenges,
including choosing which type of adoption to pursue, figuring out how to pay
mounting fees and navigating the exploding world of online adoption
information.
One thing is clear: though every adoption journey is
unique, adoption as an institution is becoming less the exception, and more the
norm, all the time.
Read more: Preparing your home for an adopted child
Opening doors:
adoption comes out of the shadows
Because states are not required to record the number of
private, domestic adoptions, it’s hard to pinpoint just how many children are
adopted each year. In 1992, the last year this type of data was compiled, the
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute reported that nearly 127,000 children were
adopted in the US, including those adopted domestically, internationally, out
of foster care, and by step-parents (which account for 42 percent of all
domestic adoptions). All told, there are more than 1.5 million adopted children
in the U.S.
That means adoption touches most schools, neighborhoods,
and extended families across the country. The Donaldson Institute’s 1997 survey
(the most recent one available) found nearly 60 percent of Americans have a
personal connection to adoption, by knowing someone who has been adopted, adopted
a child, or has placed their child with an adoptive family. And because so many
adoptions have been veiled in secrecy, the real figure is likely much higher,
since many families kept adoptions hidden, and many adoptees didn’t know they
were adopted.
Those types of secrets are dying out, though. Today, only
5 percent of modern adoptions are “closed adoptions” in which the birth parents
and adoptive parents have no contact and birth records are sealed, and 95
percent of agencies offer open adoptions, which allow for ongoing contact
between the adoptive family and the birth parents.
That’s good news for everyone touched by adoption;
research from the Donaldson Institute shows that open adoptions are associated
with greater satisfaction with the adoption process for all
participants—adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents. Birth mothers who
have ongoing contact with their children through open adoption experience less
grief and greater peace of mind. And adoptees have access to their biological
families and medical histories.
In international adoptions, ongoing contact between birth
parents and adopted children can be harder to arrange, due to logistics,
language barriers, and a host of legal and other complications. But those, too,
are slowly cracking open. When Lacey Yantis and Scott Blank traveled to
Ethiopia earlier this year to adopt their son Ermias, 1, they met his birth
mother and learned that the date listed on his birth paperwork is wrong—he was
born a month earlier (this type of inaccuracy is not uncommon in international
adoptions, says Yantis).
Read more: Hudson Valley family adopts a special needs child
Families without
borders: International adoptions
International adoption can be a good option for families
seeking an infant, like Yantis and Blank (nearly half of the children adopted
internationally are infants and 90 percent are under five, according to the
Donaldson Institute). But those who dream of international adoption face a
number of hurdles: first, choosing an adoption site from a dwindling list of
countries open to US adoptions. Under tighter regulations, the number of
international adoptions appears to be tapering off: after reaching a historic
high of 22.884 children in 2004, it fell to just 12,753 in 2009.
Russia, one of the top countries of origin for American
parents adopting internationally, is now closed to prospective parents in US.
Guatemala, Haiti, Rwanda, and Vietnam are also on the “closed” list, while
China and Ethiopia have cut international adoptions drastically and stretched
waiting times for adoptive parents.
The waiting game adds to the mounting costs involved in
adopting internationally as attorney and agency fees pile up over the course of
months and years. The Donaldson Institute reports that parents adopting
internationally can expect costs up to $25,000 for visas, immigration
documents, agency costs, and program fees charged by the home country.
Lacey Yantis places her family’s adoption fees between
$25,000 and $30,000—a total that doesn’t include travel to Ethiopia or lodging
and living expenses during their three-week stay. Adoptive parents traveling
for international adoption also face costs related to time off work and
childcare for the children staying at home during the trip.
Home sweet home:
Domestic adoptions
While wait times for some international adoptions can
stretch out for years, domestic adoptions can be relatively swift. According to
Adoptive Families magazine, 34 percent of US parents adopting a newborn
domestically were matched with a child within three months; 19 percent brought
their baby home within four to six months. Couples who choose to adopt
domestically have several options: private (or “independent”) adoptions through
an attorney or an adoption facilitator, adopting through an agency, or adopting
through the foster-care system (sometimes called “public adoption”).
How can prospective parents choose which type of domestic
adoption to pursue? One factor is cost. Agency and private adoptions are the
more expensive The Donaldson Institute pegs domestic adoption costs for agency
and private adoptions at $4,000 to $30,000. It’s a wide range that includes
costs for home studies, post-adoption supervision, and court fees.
Another factor is the age of the prospective adoptee. The
Kindt family’s experience notwithstanding, newborn adoptions through the foster
system are relatively rare—only two percent of children adopted through the
public system are newborns, according to the Donaldson Institute.
Thanks in part of federal financial incentives enacted
during the Clinton administration, public sector (foster care) adoptions
increased 40 percent between 1995-1998, by 2008, 55,000 children were adopted
from foster care. Foster care adoptions aren’t as prohibitively expensive as
other types of adoption—there are no agency fees, legal fees are often minimal
and reimbursed by the state, and parents can claim the adoption tax credit (as
can parents adopting internationally or through an agency or attorney).
Building a family
The first step for couples considering adoption: talk to
others who have adopted, advises Lori Ingber, Ph.D., president and founder of
Parent Match. “Ask them which agency they used, or which attorney. Ask them
about their experience. Talk to as many people as you can.” You want to choose
an adoption attorney or facilitator with significant experience with adoptions,
she notes—not a friend of a friend who practices law but specializes in DUIs or
divorces.
Take advantage of the Internet’s expansive power for
research, referrals, information, and support—many agencies now have Facebook
pages where prospective parents can ask questions, share victories, and support
each other through tough days.
Most importantly, parents should follow their heart to
build a family that’s uniquely their own. The Kindts may not be a cookie-cutter
clan, but that doesn’t bother their happy children in the least. Instead,
Elizabeth is puzzling over her soon-to-arrive brother’s birth. “Adoption is so
normal to her, that she’s trying to figure out why this baby doesn’t
need to be adopted,” says Christina. “One day, she figured it out, though, and
told everyone ‘Mommy has a baby in her tummy. And he’s already adopted!’”
Malia Jacobson is an award-winning health and
parenting journalist and mom of three. Her latest book is “Sleep Tight, Every
Night: Helping Toddlers and Preschoolers Sleep Well Without Tears, Tricks, or
Tirades.”