As a teacher and father, I
have heard parents complain so many times about their teen children regressing
emotionally. Academically and intellectually, these kids often seem smarter
than their parents – a humbling situation I know well – while emotionally, they
are like toddlers again, quick to rage, uncompromising, easily upset, and
unable to see past the present moment.
If any of this rings true for
you, Emily Edlynn, Ph.D. feels
your pain. She breaks down the different ways teens usually act out, the
reasons (often nothing to do with the focus of the attitude, for example you.
the parent), and some helpful suggestions on how to make things better for all.
First, Dr. Edlynn reminds us
that much of a teen’s behavior can be traced to physiology, or what she
quaintly calls “Brain on Fire.”
“Our emotions live in our
brains' limbic system,” she writes, “where they light up when we feel
them—pleasant or unpleasant. Studies have shown that for adolescents, this
limbic system affected by puberty hormonal changes results in increased
emotional outbursts and impulsivity. Imagine your annoyance when someone asks
you to do something you don't want to do and triple it in your teen's brain.”
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She notes that adults possess
hard won impulse control teens have not yet developed. Tamping down hair-trigger
annoyance and responding respectfully can require “double the effort” for “brain-under-construction
teenagers.”
Dr. Edlynn suggests teens are
testing limits, usually without consciously realizing they are doing so.
“You’re their safe place,” she writes. “If your teen openly debates and argues
you with you, they trust they can do so without losing your love and support.
Ironically, your teen ‘with attitude’ might be a sign she is developing her
independence within a trusting relationship with you.” Dr. Edlynn even suggests
that more obedient teens might be more prone to be secretly, and more
dramatically, rebellious.
What to do? Talking, for
starters. Even when, or perhaps especially when, you the parent are hurt and in
a fury. This is where the impulse control you’ve gained as a functioning adult
can really come in handy.
Dr. Edlynn writes: “Start with a discussion during a
calm, peaceful moment to identify the problem (‘lashing out’), its natural
consequences (high stress and conflict between you), and possible replacements
for lashing out (emotion regulation strategies).” Having your teen draw or
write something, an idea for a solution, can be particularly helpful.
According to Dr. Edlynn, “If
she can learn ways to calm herself in the moment, she can better do the next
critical step: discuss her stress and emotions directly with you
rather than taking them out on you.”