If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, as
the author John Gray would have us believe, then adolescents must be from
another galaxy altogether – or so it often seems to parents who live with them.
Many parents I talk with are often confused as to
why communication (and I use that term rather loosely) with their adolescent
has become so difficult, strained, or filled with sarcasm and often antagonism.
What then can parents do when their help and attempt
at communication is rejected and seen as interference, advice is misconstrued
as bossing, and opinions offered are processed as criticism? The following guidelines can be extremely
helpful in successfully establishing effective lines of communication with the
adolescents in your life.
Open
communication
Text
messaging, tweeting, and the myriad social networking sites have dramatically opened
up many more communication vistas for today’s youth. They are literally
bombarded with communiqués – but less so face-to-face. Be aware that your
concept of communication is different from this generation’s. Don’t get locked
in a power struggle with your teenager feeling that your authority is slipping
away. The bottom line is this: Treat them more like adults and involve them in
family decisions as much as you can to help keep the lines of communication
open.
Critical speaking
The
surest communication-killer between parents and their adolescents is criticism.
When you criticize her friends you are actually de facto criticizing her. No one enjoys being confronted with their own
deficiencies or mistakes – least of all adolescents. Listen with an open mind, and respect their
opinions no matter how ludicrous they may seem. Adolescents also don’t want to
hear how ridiculous you believe their behavior or that of their peers to be.
Pick your
battles
This
is often the mindset that many parents embrace when they are interacting with
their adolescent. This style of parenting, by definition, means that someone is
going to win and someone is going to lose.
But raising teens is not a battle. When you are
displeased with your child’s behavior, stop and ask yourself: Is this “battle”
necessary? There are literarily hundreds of things our adolescents can do or say
that can “press our buttons.” Just stopping for a few seconds and rethinking
your direction can foster not only effective and friendly communication when
you do engage, but it can also bring more peace and harmony to your home.
Lend an ear
The
rallying cry of most adolescents is “My parents don’t listen to/understand me.”
Adolescents need to feel that their opinions and input are important, valued,
and listened to. They want parents that talk with them not at them. Remember,
it’s not about you and your own adolescent struggles, it’s about theirs now.
Do
kids today have it easier than we did? In most cases the answer is yes, but
that still doesn’t negate the struggles they are experiencing. One of the goals
for parents during adolescence is to help them develop autonomy and control
over their behavior. When adolescents and their parents clearly communicate
their thoughts feelings and ideas, and reach mutually agreed upon decisions,
there are no losers. Everyone wins.
Paul
Schwartz, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology and chairperson of the Division
of Social Sciences at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh.
Other articles by Paul Schwartz