It’s not a news flash to say
all children are hardwired to test limits – toddlers, elementary school age,
tweens, and particularly teenagers. But because they are almost adults, and
have the size, skills, and often the means to be more forceful – and more dramatic
– in their rebelliousness, teens get the most attention.
Since the 1950s, teen
rebellion has even enjoyed its own culture. (The term “teenager” did not exist
prior to the mid-20th century.) Despite – or maybe because of –
innumerable books and articles on how best to handle teen rebellion, parents
still need help keeping the peace through setting boundaries in their
households. Writer Lizzy Francis, and some insightful interviewees, offer that
in Fatherly.
Right off the bat, they
acknowledge it takes different strokes for different folks. Good boundaries are
rooted in the values that are important to the family. Family therapist
Lisa Howe says, “You want to be mindful with what is important to
your family. Some families may have a rule that they don’t use phones at
the dinner table. Some families may not care. But the rules will be specific to
your family.”
READ MORE: Setting consequences for teens
In our house, we employ the
“no phones at the dinner table” rule. Luckily, we started it when our son got his
first smartphone at 16. It became a family habit so much that when we saw
others – often dear friends – not observing it, it was like seeing someone
smoke in a restaurant, quite jarring. While in our house – like, say, for
Thanksgiving – we ask folks to abide. Elsewhere, we keep our mouths shut.
(Incidentally, even sitting
down together at dinner is a general rule we’ve employed since our son was a
baby. Neither my wife nor I did this in our families growing up, and twenty
two-years in, it’s one of the best decisions we made as a family.)
Howe says rules shouldn’t be
arbitrary. “Because I said so” isn’t going to fly, or at least it’s not going
to fly well. And health and safety are primary concerns, battles worth picking.
A battle not worth picking is trying to force a kid to take off “a dirty
T-shirt with a hole in it” and put on something you think is a better look.
All of the experts say not to
take limits testing personally. Of course this is probably one of the hardest
things to do. Especially if your teen knows exactly which buttons to push to
get your attention. But hang in there, know you’re not alone, and listen to the
experts, especially if they’re parents.