Dr. Paul Schwartz
To be rejected by peers is a painful experience for both the children as well as for their parents.
It’s difficult to keep
track of the reports of school shootings or other forms of violence — all
perpetrated by adolescents or young men — as they have become all too frequent
occurrences in the news recently.
What are the roots of this
type of wanton violence that is becoming all too common among the young today?
Warning signs
Last year I was asked by a local school
district to help them identify potential at-risk students. They asked me for
the specific warning signs, hoping that if found early could prevent violent school
tragedies from reoccurring.
Unfortunately there is no
simplistic profile. The reasons why some young people resort to this type of
tragic violence are complex and not often easy to pinpoint.
Researchers and
professionals have blamed many potential or possible sources of violence and
antisocial behavior: availability of guns, violence in movies or the media,
faults in the family structure as well as faults in the personality of the
perpetrators, and still others feel the schools are at fault.
This month’s column will attempt
to address this social crisis through the lens of a different potential
catalyst: peer rejection.
READ MORE: The most common issues teens are facing today
Peer rejection
I have known and worked
professionally with many troubled children and adolescents, and for many of
them peer rejection has been a painful part of their development. Although peer
rejection does not cause most young people to get a gun and go on a homicidal
rampage, it does seem to be part of the troubled profile for many children and
adolescents who exhibit problem, often aggressive, behavior. To be rejected by
peers is a painful experience for both the children as well as for their
parents.
Importance of peers
Friends provide so much to
a child, especially in late childhood and adolescence. Peers provide partners
for practicing existing social skills and trying out new ones. Peers contribute
to a child’s sense of identity. If no one likes them or wants to play with them,
their sense of personal value is diminished.
Peers provide feedback for
their behavior, ideas, and they help each other make sense of their lives. Peers
teach each other how to resolve conflict appropriately. They learn, if you want
someone to play with, you need to learn to share, wait your turn, and be a good
listener.
Numerous research studies
have also demonstrated that popular children achieve at higher levels in
school, have higher self esteem, are happier in school, exhibit few behavior
problems and have a better attendance record. It’s noted that this peer
interaction should be encouraged to take place in person — not through
technology and the many devices and sites that offer pseudo relationships.
Social skills
The single most cited
behavior that creates peer rejection is aggression. There are many ways of
handling aggression in childhood. Just teaching a child the basic etiquette of
starting and maintaining a conversation and teaching listening skills has shown
to be helpful.
Practicing conflict
resolution by presenting a child hypothetical childhood conflict situations and
practicing solving them, as well as teaching a child to see another child’s
possible point of view when conflict arises, is another technique that can
enhance social skills.
Self-esteem
Peer-rejection will
typically diminish self-esteem, however, getting your child involved in an activity
that he can find success with can help to reverse the process of diminishing
self-esteem.
Peer rejection is a
painful part of their lives for some children, and can often have life-long
consequences. However, if it is recognized and remediated early it can be
corrected and a child can enjoy what all children need to grow up to be
competent social adults — friends!
Paul Schwartz, PhD., is a professor of
psychology and education at Mount Saint Mary College.
Other articles by Paul Schwartz