Almost as
soon as children learn to speak, they lie. I know I did it, and my friends did
it to varying degrees. My son and his friends did it. And it goes without
saying that some people never stop lying, ever. But children lying can be
disturbing. As Beth Arky writes for the Child Mind Institute, parents can “help
kids find honest alternatives to bending the truth” if they can understand “why
kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue.”
It seems
the many euphemisms for lying speak to the level of discomfort the concept
evokes: fibbing, telling an untruth, a whopper, a tall tale, hagiography, a white
lie.
Interviewee
Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, notes
how the onset of lying can be sudden and intense: “It’s a new thing where they
were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying
about a lot of stuff.” I noticed this as a preschool teacher’s assistant,
working with kids aged two to four. Usually around age three, the more verbal
kids realize the quality of attention they receive when telling a story as
“true” as opposed to “pretend.” And they lean in to that, insisting they did,
in fact, have a pet dinosaur. For real! The unquestioning belief of slightly
younger kids inspires them, of course.
READ MORE: Child Behavior: Should Parents Punish Children When They Lie?
Arky notes
this as children trying out a new
behavior. I.e., “they’ve
discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most
kinds of behaviors, to see what happens.” Dr. Rouse adds, “They’ll wonder, what
happens if I lie about this situation? What will it do for me? What does it get
me out of? What does it get me?’” Generally, Dr. Rouse says these lies can be
ignored.
Another
reason, which extends into adulthood, is to enhance self-esteem and gain
approval. Arky writes, “Children who lack confidence may tell
grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to
inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.”
Like the preschooler who insisted he could jump as high as the roof, or
the full-grown man who insisted he’d outrun the police. Reprimands and light
punishments can discourage these lies.
If lies
get out-of-hand, Dr. Rouse recommends talking to children about their lying,
and praising the telling of hard truths. For repeated lying, consistent,
non-negotiable consequences can help, like taking
away their phone.
Probably
the worst thing a parent can do is to lie to their kids, or to be seen lying or
consistently over-exaggerating. Perhaps more than anything else, this will
motivate the liar within.
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