It’s a cold world out there, but friends can make it a
warmer place. They endure time and distance; provide comfort, intimacy, and
support. They help clarify goals and expectations through selfless giving and
sharing.
The development and maintenance of friendships in
childhood unfolds somewhat differently than seen with mature relationships, but
it forms a pattern for creating friendships in later life. Many theorists view
the development of friendships similarly to other areas of human development,
as going through predictable, progressive and hierarchical stages.
I’m sure dinnertime conversations with your children
revolve not only around what they are learning in school, but involve children
whose names you haven’t heard before. Some of the friendships your child is
making are transitory while others will last for years.
Playmates
Below the age of 7, friendships are based on physical
(same age or gender) or geographical considerations (next-door neighbor) and are
rather self-centered. A friend is a playmate who lives nearby and has “neat”
toys, and likes the same games. There is little or no understanding of the
other person’s perspective or feelings, or personality traits other than the
avoidance of a playmate because “they are mean.”
Give and take
During the next stage of development (ages 7-9) the idea
of reciprocity and awareness of the other child’s feelings begins. “Perspective
taking,” or the recognition of how another child might feel given our actions,
begins during this stage. It should be noted that perspective taking is more
dominant in girls than boys at this stage and throughout subsequent stages of
development.
During the preadolescent (tween) stage of development
(ages 9-12) children have friendships based not only on mutual interest and
geographical proximity, but also on a pattern of “give and take,” and friends
are seen as people who help and support each other.
Camaraderie, group and team membership take on more
importance as children begin dissolving their own self-importance to the needs
of the group. Trust, a benchmark of mature friendships, appears for the first
time. In the latter part of this stage, rifts between friends are not as easily
“patched up” as in early childhood.
It’s at this time children are ostracized for behavior
that violates social norms repeatedly. This stage is the template for
adolescence, where peer-acceptance becomes paramount and social ostracism
creates a multitude of problems.
Quality and
influence
There is little doubt having friends is extremely
important to children. Friendships contribute significantly to the development
of social skills, such as being sensitive to another’s viewpoints, learning the
rules of conversation, and age-appropriate behaviors. More than half the
children referred for emotional behavioral problems have no friends or find
difficulty interacting with peers.
Friends also have a powerful influence on a child’s
positive and negative school performance and may also help to encourage or
discourage deviant behaviors. Compared to children who lack friends, children with
“good” friends have higher self-esteem, act more socially, can cope with life
stresses and transitions, and are also less victimized by peers.
Interestingly, children with friends of both sexes, as a
group, are better adjusted and have greater social skills than children who have
only same sex friendships.
Alone time
Although friendships follow a somewhat predictable
developmental sequence, not all children progress at the same rate. Delays in
this area are not necessarily a cause for concern. Look for signs: Is your
child frequently expressing feelings of sadness and loneliness?
Additionally, parents who over-identify with or interpret
their children’s desire for solitary play as loneliness, and attempt to “push”
friends on them, may be making an incorrect assumption. As important as
friendships are, like their adult counterparts, children may greatly enjoy and
choose solitary activities; some children need or desire more alone time than
do others.
Friendships ground us throughout life, and lifelong friendships
help us revisit and examine the tapestry of our lives. How many of us still
have friends from when we were very young children? There is something so
special about them. They provide us a feeling of security and an understanding
of ourselves as we continue through our own developmental process.
Paul Schwartz, PhD., is a professor of psychology and education at
Mount Saint Mary College.
Other articles by Paul Schwartz