Writing for Scary Mommy, Rachel Garlinghouse tells how she talks about she handles her daughter's mess ups.
On a busy school morning and on their way out the door, her daughter decides she needs her hair fixed. Mom quickly pulls it into a ponytail and finishes packing lunches and heads the kids out the door. In the car Garlinghouse notices the hair is down and asks her daughter why. Her child glares at her and says that it looked bad.
It made Garlinghouse slightly angry that she had taken the time out of her busy morning to accommodate her daughter, but decides not to reply to keep the mood positive on the way to school.
She says that sometimes you just have to realize that they are stuck in these tough years of being tweens and teens and the angst just comes along with it. Just about anything can set kids of these ages off and you just have to take a deep breath and try not to let it get to you.
Lecturing can be a knee-jerk reaction, but communicating with your child works out better. Her family practices connective parenting which is essentially waiting for your child to cool down before addressing their behavior.
So, how are you supposed to respond? Ask a question like "What do you think happened?" and they are more likely to reflect on the situation instead of becoming defensive. It also gives them a chance to offer solutions. You can follow up with "What can you do differently next time?" and build some problem-solving skills while they're at it.
If they have hurt someone, the child is expected to make amends. Ask your child what they can do to fix what they have done. Often an apology or a similar action is the answer.
Bad grades don't need to punished. Reflection on doing better and sometimes just seeing that huge bad grade plastered on their paper in enough to remind them to do better. It's all about making them take responsibility for their actions. No blaming others for what they did.
Pausing for a moment, reflection and forgiveness go a long way in raising children. Stand your ground and keep communication open and eveyone will make through these tough times.
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