Writing
for Fatherly, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men, shares multiple studies that link
increased mental health problems among boys and young men to outmoded gender
expectations. As maturing individuals, males are still expected to always
appear strong, invulnerable, capable, independent. Tough it out. Man up. Take it like a man. Boys don’t cry. These pressures can, and do, lead to despair and a devastating
sense of isolation, which, in turn, leads to depression, anxiety, even suicide.
Reiner
urges parents of infant boys to be mindful of giving them the same emotional
attention as girls. Interestingly, according to Reiner, parents most often
don’t even realize they’re depriving baby boys until someone points out that
they sing more to girls, hold them more, use bigger words, share
vulnerabilities, and offer tenderness. He says parents fear raising
“incompetent” men, softies, often whether they know it or not.
Reiner espouses
“a masculine identity that permits access to the full range of their human
emotions.”
He writes:
“Boys ages eight through 15 want to think of themselves as ‘helpful, kind,
smart,’ among other qualities. They describe a ‘good man’ as helpful, nice, caring.
Perhaps the thing boys want above all else was summed up in the ‘State of
Gender Equality…’ report: Nearly half of the respondents wanted permission to
learn about the ‘right to feel any way you want, and it doesn’t matter what
people think.’”
READ MORE: Toxic phrases to avoid saying to boys
Reiner
implores parents – and society – to ditch the impulse to disconnect boys from
emotions. According to research, boys actually do better when
provided with a ‘relational anchor’ that helps them keep anger in check,
offers aid to keep them from turning inward, and self-harming.
Crucially,
he gives concrete advice to parents and caregivers: “It’s not
that boys don’t want to talk about what they want and need from us,”
he writes. “We are often the ones that don’t want to talk about it. If we want
to raise compassionate, resilient men who are accountable to themselves, to
others and who can rise to the changing needs of a culture that values
emotional honesty – if we really want to raise competent men – then we need to
listen to and understand boys.
We can start
by meeting boys where they are and following their lead,
not ours. They’re waiting for our permission to grow into the type of men they
want to be and that we need them to be.”
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