“Be careful!” “Watch out!”
“You’re going to get hurt like that!” “You’re up too high; climb back down!”
As parents we can sound
like a broken record, repeating these and other cautionary phrases over and
over again. While our intent for issuing these warnings is to keep our children
safe, many experts now say hovering over our children to protect them is
detrimental to their development.
A safer society
When many of us were
growing up, we were allowed to walk to the playground by ourselves. Perhaps we
spent hours riding bikes and playing manhunt with our friends until the sun
set, with nary an adult in sight.
The thought of so much
time spent outside and out of view from adults is terrifying to many parents
now, who are afraid that their children may be abducted or hurt by a stranger. Such
fear has even led to a criminal investigation of a Maryland couple who let
their two children, aged 6 and 10, walk home alone from a neighborhood park,
something many of us did in our youth.
The statistics don’t bear
out our fears. In the last 20 years, violent crimes in our country have
decreased 48 percent. According to the FBI, homicides are down 50 percent, and
rape has declined 34.5 percent.
Crimes specifically
against children have also declined in recent years. Instances of physical
assault directed at children aged 2 to 17 has declined 33 percent between 2003
and 2011, according to research conducted by the Crimes against Children
Research Center at the University of New Hampshire and published in the Journal
of American Medical Association in 2014. Rape and attempted rape of children aged
2 to 17 declined 43 percent during those same years.
‘Stranger danger’ is rare
Even our culture’s
insistence on the perils of “stranger danger” doesn’t have a basis in
statistics. The people most likely to harm a child are their relatives or
family friends, not strangers.
In a study titled “Homicide
Trends in the United States, 1998-2008” by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, it
was shown that between 1980 and 2008, 63 percent of all children under 5 who
were murdered were killed by one of their parents. Only 3 percent were killed
by strangers.
Child abductions by
strangers are incredibly rare as well. According to the National Incidence
Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Throwaway Children conducted in 2002,
only about 115 of the 800,000 children reported missing annually are actually kidnapped
by strangers. The vast majority of those reported missing were runaways or
victims of a custody dispute.
What’s the harm?
So sure, we don’t need to
be so afraid of our kids being hurt or abducted, but better safe than sorry,
right? What’s the harm in keeping them close to home under our watchful eye?
Andrea Grunblatt, a
psychologist and licensed play therapist operating in Kingston, says allowing
children the freedom to explore and play without parents hovering or planning
every move gives them confidence.
“They learn to feel
competent at doing things on their own and discovering things,” something which
is important for a developing child,” she says.
And
yet, a recent study by the University of California, Los Angeles, found that
American kids spend 90 percent of their leisure time at home, often in front of
the TV or playing video games. Even when kids are physically active, their
actions are arranged for them and they are watched closely by adults — either
in school, camp, at home, or at extracurricular activities.
Clay, 8, Finn, 12, and
Gabe, 14, practice their survival skills with a blindfolded string walk in the
woods at Danger Camp.
Healthy dose of danger
Whitney Hall of Hurley
runs a Danger Camp for children ages 8 to 13 on her property for a week in June.
The camp, developed by Growing Kids, purposely introduces children to things many parents would consider
dangerous, including building, tending and using fire, and using spears, knives
and other weapons. They even have one day devoted to “getting lost” in the
woods and using various skills to find their way back to the camp.
“Keeping children from
dangerous situations is detrimental in the long run,” says Hall. “Think of a
body and its immune system, for instance. ‘Healthy’ does not mean free of
disease. ‘Healthy’ is a body that is equipped to fight off a disease when it
encounters one. The healthier body is the body that can effectively take that
threat and beat it. This comes from having a good immune system, which means
that it has fought off several things before and is getting good at it.”
For kids and danger it is
the same thing, says Hall.
“You can’t ever keep your
kid out of danger entirely. It makes more sense to me to introduce them to
dangerous things, so that they can handle it on their own when it comes up.”
Maple, 9, uses a bow drill to light a fire at Danger Camp.
Nancye Good from Earth Living Skills teaches
a knife skills safety lecture at Danger Camp.
In addition to just
keeping them safer, allowing children the freedom to explore and experiment
helps build imagination, according to Hall. She says that constantly
structuring the things kids do is limiting their imaginations.
“We have kids so scheduled
with one activity after another, that they are unable to use their own creative
brain. These activities are always run by an adult and structured for safety.
When kids are not scheduled, we allow them to have full access to video games,
iPads, or devices, but these experiences are also structured. They never get a
chance to make their own world anymore.”
Hall also runs a Maker
Camp for kids in August, as well as homeschooling programs during the school
year.
Striking a balance
How do parents, who most
certainly want what’s best for their children, navigate that balance between
allowing children to imagine and discover on their own and keeping them safe?
For starters, keep an eye
on yourself. Are you constantly issuing warnings? This may be doing more harm
than good, says Hall.
“Here’s an easy rule of
thumb for parents: If you hear yourself saying ‘be careful’ or ‘watch out’ to
your kids over and over, try to be aware of it. Do a self-assessment. How many
times a day do you tell your child to be careful? How many times an hour? Now,
do you think that your advice to your child to be careful is having an effect?
Do you think you are helping your child learn to be more careful by simply
saying those words? Or do you think that you are helping them to feel fear
at every turn, to feel that danger is lurking everywhere? This is the
effect we have when we tell them to be careful. Instead, we should show
them how to carefully do the dangerous thing.”
Hilary Crispell, a
Kingston mother of two, agrees that parents must teach their children how to
navigate dangers, and then must back away and trust that the children will
remember the lessons.
“Teaching your child about
trust, your trust is harder than anything,” she says. “Like watching your
little bird trying to fly out of the nest, you need to trust that your teaching
will take hold. The best way is to put it to the test.”
Communication is key
Next, establish and
maintain good lines of communication with your children.
“Make it clear to the
children that the parent needs to know at all times where they are and that
they children are not allowed to just wonder off,” Grunblatt advises. “In other
words, let the children explore within an appropriate boundary, not everything
is OK. When parents provide boundaries within some freedom children feel taken
care of, and that leads to safety.”
Saugerties mom Juanita
Lorraine says she has worked very hard to communicate openly with her children,
and that it has helped her to know when it is time to let go or alter some of
some of the boundaries and rules for her children.
She refers to the balance
between freedom and safety as a negotiation that she openly has engages in with
her children.
“I think overall maturity
and the expression of needing more space would be my number one sign that it is
time to negotiate space,” says Lorraine. “I also check in with my children and
ask them questions like ‘so what will you do different with your children when
you have them?’ It's a torturous question, but it really has helped me put my
parenting in check without putting them on the spot to possibly feel like they
are hurting my feelings.”
Lorraine says this helps
her see the gap between where they are and where she is. “The other question I
ask, ‘Is there something you want to be doing that you feel like you are not
allowed to do?’ I always do my best to listen, and let loose as they need it.”
It can
be very difficult for parents to balance the desire to protect their children
against the desire to make them more self-reliant, especially when faced with
the additional fear of being arrested themselves if they give them too much
freedom.
At the
end of the day, parents must decide for themselves what levels of freedom they
are comfortable with for their children. But the next time you catch yourself
crying “Be careful!” you may be doing more harm than good.
Dawn Green is a freelance writer
and mother of two living in Saugerties.