If your baby-making dreams have become a nightmare, you
aren’t alone. Infertility affects 7.3 million American women. And more than
half of them have successfully given birth to one or more children. Secondary
infertility happens when a couple cannot conceive a second (or third) child
despite previous pregnancy.
Read more: How late is too late to start a family?
Conception concerns
There are many reasons for infertility, and it isn’t only a
woman’s issue. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine attributes one
third of cases to male factors, including sperm count or quality; one third to
female factors, including ovulation disorders and endometriosis, Age, smoking,
stress and obesity can increase infertility risk. One third of cases are due to
a combination of factors or to unknown causes.
Melissa Ford, author of “Navigating the Land of If:
Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options,” likens infertility to
the Bermuda Triangle.
“The physical, emotional, and financial stressors of
infertility are intense,” Ford says, “and it’s easy to get lost.”
Most couples take one step at a time, venturing deeper into
the unknown as they go. Each couple has to find their own way out.
Read more: Experts discuss stress and fertility
Pathways out of infertility
Infertility might be simpler if there were only one way out.
But, there are many options, Ford says, and it’s helpful to explore them with
your physician as your journey unfolds.
Many couples start with the least invasive options —
fertility medications and intra-uterine insemination — before moving to more
invasive (and more costly) procedures like in vitro fertilization.
Depending on the causes of infertility, the use of donor
eggs, sperm or embryos or a surrogate may be warranted. Some couples opt for
adoption from the beginning, and others choose adoption after other treatments
fail. If you’re considering donors, surrogacy or adoption, consult a
reproductive attorney for advice.
Some infertile couples choose to live childfree, says
Constance Shapiro, PhD, therapist and author of “When You’re Not Expecting: An
Infertility Survival Guide.” They move past the grief they feel and commit to a
life that doesn’t include kids. The emotional journey from feeling childless to
being childfree opens the door to other possibilities, but it isn’t easy.
Stresses of infertility
Not long after “I Do,” people start asking “When are you
going to start a family?” Our society reinforces the idea that a family
consists of two parents and their children and people internalize that model,
Shapiro says. When infertility threatens that ideal, it hurts.
Treatment is stressful, too. Doctor’s appointments are
inconvenient, and fertility drugs can cause mood swings and weight gain.
Treatments are expensive, and many couples take out loans to finance
baby-making, Ford says.
Feedback throughout the process — about hormone levels,
follicle development, and (you hope) pregnancy — is a double-edged sword. Each
bit of bad news crushes you a little more.
Read more: 5 key facts that can increase your chances of pregnancy
Seeing others have babies can magnify the disappointment
couples feel. When friends show off their sonograms and ask for baby-naming
advice, you may feel angry and jealous. Infertility can be isolating,
especially if it’s a secret.
To top it off, when you’re struggling to get pregnant, sex
isn’t so sexy, Shapiro says. Treatments may require intercourse at specific
times in the menstrual cycle and forbid it at other times. Couples may miss the
intimate physical connection they once experienced.
There is no easy way out of infertility. It’s normal to feel
an enormous loss when your dreams for the future don’t come true. “Before
infertility, I had never encountered a ‘no’ from the universe,” says Ford. “All
the big life events came easy. Infertility made me realize how much is out of
my control.” Now a mother of twins, Ford says she’s learning that lesson over
and over in parenting.
Heidi Smith Luedtke is
a personality psychologist and mother of two. She is the author of Detachment
Parenting.
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FACTS ABOUT INFERTILITY:
• In the United States, 15 percent of all couples
will face infertility issues, and many will be diagnosed with a reproductive
disorder.
• Infertility is not just a woman’s problem. In about 50
percent of couples, sperm
disorders or male factors cause infertility.
• More than 3 million people in the U.S. experience difficulty
getting pregnant after baby #1.
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WHEN A FRIEND IS STUGGLING: WHAT NOT TO SAY:
These phrases may sound sympathetic, but they’re likely to
do more harm than good, says licensed clinical psychologist Robin Goodman, PhD.
If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, don’t say:
• “I know how you feel” (Everyone is different. Even if you did go through something
similar, find out how they feel.)
• “It’s for the best” (This is not comforting even if you think it is true. Your
friend is grieving for the future she imagined for her family.)
• “At least you have each other” (This may be true. But a partner — or a pet or a job — can’t
replace a child.)
• “You can always adopt” (Some couples desperately want to have their own biological
children.)
• “The baby would probably not have survived” (Even in cases of early miscarriage, your friend may feel
overwhelming loss. Don’t minimize it.)
Read more: How infertility treatment affects oral health
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TIPS FOR COPING WITH INFERTILITY:
• Acknowledge your sadness. Share your feelings with each
other, but don’t be consumed by negativity. Put limits on when and where you
will discuss emotions. And don’t do it in the bedroom!
• Ration your energy. If baby showers and kid-focused
conversations are weighing you down, it’s okay to opt out sometimes. Friends
and family will understand. Participate in social events how and when you can.
• Be united. For most couples, infertility is too heavy an
emotional load to shoulder between just the two of them Working through who to
tell and how much to share can increase your emotional intimacy. Treat
infertility as a couple’s issue and stay connected.
• Seek support. Don’t let infertility tear you down. Join an
online community or get counseling. Many clinics have psychologists on staff
and most use sliding fee scales, Shapiro says. Reach past the isolation and get
help.
— Compiled with tips
from Melissa Ford, author of “Navigating the Land of If: Understanding
Infertility and Exploring Your Options,” and Constance Shapiro, PhD, therapist
and author of “When You’re Not Expecting: An Infertility Survival Guide”