As a
youngster gets more adept at language, using words to influence their behavior
becomes ever more consequential. Simply put, if you offer them a reward for
behaving because you know they’ll trust you, and they behave, but then you
don’t deliver, they will not only cease to trust you, they will have a hard
time trusting anyone. And if you threaten, and then, when the behavior crisis
passes, you don’t follow through, their trust will erode.
Yet we’ve
all done this – made empty promises and hollow threats. We do it because in the
heat of the moment, we’re desperate. And desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had a childhood friend whose mother was the queen of the dramatic empty
threat, like “you will never watch TV again!” and “I will send you to military
school!” Both were empty threats, and while they were funny to us then, in
time, I saw how this tactic diminished my friend’s mother in his eyes, and he
couldn’t trust her – and then anyone – even on the smallest thing.
Writing
for Fatherly, Jillian Mock sympathizes, and offers some helpful
hints on how to keep from making empty promises and hollow threats.
Almost all
of her examples fall in the “prevention” category. Noting that “kids predictably
misbehave in four situations: when they are hungry, bored, tired, or in need of
attention,” she advises anticipating those needs to avoid an outburst, and
practicing an action you will want from them ahead of time. Then she gives an example:
prior to a family gathering, if you suspect your child will react with
ingratitude to a sweater given to him by an elder, act out the scene at home,
in a scene of calm, and coach the child on how to be more respectful.
READ MORE: The art of setting consequences
As for
in-the-moment advice, Mock advises mindfulness, and describes situations with the
knowledge you may need to navigate some rocky terrain, and you have to be ready to “zoom
out” during bad behavior.
Mock suggests seeing the big picture and be mindful
of how what you say and do in the moment could affect the future. Depending on
the misbehavior, it can be a challenge.
Finally, the
transition from parenting a nonverbal infant to parenting a small child who
understands what you’re saying can be tricky. At the point where they can follow words,
we need to adjust to those words having ever more weight. They matter, probably
sooner than you think they will. And even if a child cannot articulate feelings,
that doesn’t mean they’re not processing them. So if at all possible, do what
you say you’ll do, and mean what you say.
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