The origin of the phrase “It
takes a village” has been traced to several African cultures, but it came to
prominence here when Hillary Clinton used it as the title of her 1996 bestselling
book, which focuses on the impact individuals and groups outside a family have,
for better or worse, on a child's well-being.
Writing for The Good Men Project, former stay-at-home-dad and social worker Ben Martin entertainingly
takes on the occasional awkwardness of this concept. He offers some helpful
insight into how parents can deal with, as he puts it, Other People’s Kids,
especially when these children might be causing trouble.
Even with Covid-19, children
are going to play and interact. Other adults are going to be responsible for
your child, and you are going to be responsible for someone else’s child. The
likelihood of ruffled feathers and violated boundaries is high. No doubt you’ve
experienced some unpleasant situations, as have I.
When my son was a toddler, I
picked him up from a play date to learn that his friend’s mom had “washed his
mouth out with soap.” He’d uttered an “obscenity” (no doubt learned from his
mother or me), and she’d placed a bar of soap on his tongue for a few seconds.
This was their “house rule” for four-letter-words uttered by kids (I’m guessing
not adults, though).
I was furious, and the mom
and I had words. She was contrite, and my son has no memory of it today, but we
never went back to that house in our “village.”
READ MORE: Break it up, or let ‘em fight it out?
Ben Martin describes watching
his daughter engage in a plastic sword fight with an aggressive kid. He wonders
if he should intervene, but only does so when the kid makes off with his
daughter’s sword, thinking he “won it.” Martin takes it back.
He writes: “If there’s a word
for slightly confused and slightly crestfallen at the same time, then that’s
what he looked like. And I looked like the word that describes someone who
feels like they just took a toy from someone else’s kid on the playground.
Sheepish? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Furtive?
Interactions with Other
People’s Kids are always so awkward. I wanted to tell him he needed to cool it
down a bit, but I didn’t. Look, I’m just telling you what I did, not saying it
was the right thing to do…” (I think it
was appropriate.)
Like so many aspects of parenting,
you hope it’s the right thing to do in both the short and long term. The thing
is, regarding parenting one’s own kid, and other people’s, doing the right
thing, often as not, feels awkward in the moment.
It takes a village, sure, but
that doesn’t mean things are less complicated, and less uncomfortable. Accepting
that, and trusting your gut, can make things marginally smoother, and you can look
back with the knowledge you did your best.
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