We all love giving to our children; there’s nothing like
witnessing the joy on a child’s face when he receives a coveted toy, a favorite
meal, or the latest gadget.
But parental generosity has an ugly downside. Experts
warn that by giving children too much, too often, parents can encourage an
inflated sense of entitlement that snowballs into demands like “But I want it…now!”
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In today’s abundant, instant-gratification society,
parents must be intentional about raising children who don’t have a sense of
entitlement, says Karen Deerwester, parenting coach and author of “The Entitlement-Free Child: RaisingConfident and Responsible Kids in a "Me, Mine, Now!" Culture.”
“Our entitlement
climate promotes quick fixes and easy answers that sabotage effective parenting,”
she says.
Want to raise a responsible child who doesn’t demand
constant gratification? Read on for expert tips on curbing entitlement, from
toddlerhood to the teen years.
Early Years: 0-5
Waiting Game
Over-entitlement begins in toddlerhood, because
two-year-olds are naturally self-interested—it’s normal and natural for them to
be concerned with “me, mine, and now.” It’s when parents actually give in to
tots’ “now” demands that entitlement can begin to build. “If we constantly
overdo and rescue children, they don’t learn to live with those uncomfortable
feeling of wanting something and not always getting it,” Deerwester notes.
One key to self-control is the ability to wait, a skill
strongly correlated with future success. In the famous “marshmallow experiment”
first conducted at Stanford University in 1972, researchers offered children a
choice between receiving one marshmallow now or two marshmallows after a short
wait. The researchers found that children who were able to delay gratification
had more success later in life. “Asking a young child to sit still for a few
minutes so you can talk to the doctor is age-appropriate and builds those
waiting skills,” says Deerwester.
Read more: Child Behavior: Less can be more when it comes to gifts for our kids
Elementary Years:
6-10
School Rules
Often, the first clues of over-entitled behavior in
school-aged children come via a phone call from the child’s teacher or school.
“Parents will hear from their child’s teacher that the
child has difficulty following directions or challenges authority a lot,” says
Barbara Lowe-Greenlee, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. These red flags can be
signs of a child used to getting things her own way — now.
While it’s healthy for children to be assertive,
challenging authority on a regular basis signals a problem. Parents can
encourage children to question authority in appropriate ways, like asking
questions of a doctor at a well-child checkup.
“But sometimes we need to tell children that they need to
simply follow the rules, as long as the authority figure isn’t asking them to
do anything wrong or illegal,” says Lowe-Greenlee.
Read more: Child Behavior: Teaching kids money doesn't buy happiness
Tween and Teen
Years: 11-18
Giving Back
It’s not too late to dial down entitled behavior in a
possessions-obsessed teen or older child. But adolescents will feel rightfully
jilted if parents implement too many changes, too quickly. If parents have
always given in to a child’s wants instead of teaching them to deal with
conflicts and mistakes, they need to help teens build those skills, says
Deerwester. “It’s about starting where you are.”
Read more: How to get them started with volunteering
One way to encourage a less self-centered worldview?
Encourage teens’ natural altruism by asking them to think of ways to contribute
to their community. When tweens and teens understand that they can make a
worthwhile contribution, their life may stop revolving around the iGizmo, fancy
vacation, or designer jeans. “Tweens and teens should understand that we all have
a responsibility to our family and our community,” says Lowe-Greenlee. “And we
don’t just take, we give back.”
Malia Jacobson is a nationally published health and
parenting journalist and mom.
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