Almost a
decade ago, Battle Hymn of the Tiger
Mother: Raising Children the Chinese Way by Amy Chua was a runaway
bestseller. It was much buzzed-about in my circle of friends, many of whom,
like me, were in the thick of raising kids. The book was so popular, the term
“tiger mother” – meaning an authoritarian mom who ‘gets results’ from her
offspring using drill sergeant methods (And they love her for it) – has stayed in the lexicon, and not
necessarily as a negative term. But recent research suggests authoritarian
parenting, as described by Kelly Burch in Insider, is more damaging
than originally thought. Burch not only lays out the studies on how shaming,
threats, and extreme demands can have long term negative consequences, she
advises parents on how to recognize the authoritarian aspects of their own
style.
My son was
thirteen when Battle Hymn of the Tiger
Mother was published, just entering adolescence. The authoritarian
parenting espoused by Chua seemed reactive to much of the parenting I saw
around me, which was largely even more permissive than my own “hippie child” upbringing.
I was often unsupervised, with only three channels of television to watch, but
as long as there were TV dinners in the fridge, I was self-sufficient. Whereas,
in 2011, kids, then as now, were on social media, had iPhones, couldn’t tie
their shoes, were fed according to their wishes, didn’t do dishes or take out
the garbage, and, hand to God, even needed their butts wiped occasionally. And,
in my estimation, most of this lack of discipline made them, and their parents,
miserable. So when the Battle Hymn of the
Tiger Mother came out, I understood its popularity.
READ MORE: The art of setting consequences
Now the
tables appear to have turned. According to a Michigan State University study,
people raised by authoritarian parents may:
- Have trouble thinking for
themselves
- Have poor self-esteem
- Have trouble interacting with
their peers, because they expect their peers to listen to their demands,
as they have to listen to the parents' demands.
- Have struggles with anger and
resentment.
Authoritarian
parenting has also been linked to increased risk for drug use and lower
academic achievement.
Interestingly,
according to the American Psychological Association (APA), “the negative
effects associated with authoritative parenting aren't necessarily the result
of high expectations, they come from the way that parents fail to respond to
their children emotionally.”
In other
words, if you’re going to be a “law and order” parent, you still need to be
emotionally available and, occasionally, vulnerable. Even a tiger can do that.
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