I’ve often
told expectant parents: there will be a period of time in which your child thinks
you know everything. Your kid knows so little, and thus, thinks you are a
genius because you can drive a car, or turn symbols on the page into sounds.
But of
course eventually you must say, “I don’t know,” or “I do not have that
particular ability,” or “I do not know what is going to happen.” Your child
then grapples with a broader sense of uncertainty.
The deeper
insecurity of Covid-19 is especially stressful for children, who naturally seek
solidity in their world, trying to know what is safe, what or who is
dependable. How can we help them feel better? Donna Freydkin, writing for
fatherly.com, has some good advice.
First off,
rather than tell them lies, find a way to be truthful that will honor their
intelligence while gracefully affirming what’s good and solid in their lives.
Or, as Dr. Jerry Bubrick, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute,
explains: “Our job as parents isn’t to provide certainty in a time of
uncertainty. Our job is to help kids tolerate the uncertainty. We want to teach
them how to tolerate not knowing.
You should let them explain how they’re
feeling and why, and you can help them validate those feelings by saying things
like, ‘I have similar worries. Let’s brainstorm ideas on how we can make things
better.’ Instead of just giving answers, you want to have a conversation and
compare notes.”
READ MORE: How to recognize stress in your child
As
Freydkin puts it: “Kids don’t need specific answers, they need broader
certitude that they are loved and will be taken care of — certitude that makes
the ambiguity of the moment manageable.”
Bubrick stresses asking clear, rather than
vague, questions, and offers a list:
- What did
you learn about today?
- What is
something interesting or funny you heard about today?
- What was
the most fun thing you did today?
- What are
you most looking forward to tomorrow?
- What was
the toughest part of your day today?
- What was
something you didn’t like about your day?
- What got
in the way today of you having a fun day?
- What can
we do together to make it better?
- I read
something interesting today and wanted to know if you had a reaction to
it?
In our
family, we learned the value of talking about important things in the car,
while driving somewhere. The lack of face-to-face interaction actually seemed
to inspire more openness. With Covid-19, that’s not so advisable.
Burbrick
strongly suggests asking questions not at bedtime or in the morning, but some
neutral time, like during dinner, or during a walk. The latter has worked well
for us. Having the outside environment around us provides a sense of
expansiveness, and of course no screens.
Once kids
open up, they will likely feel less overwhelmed and burdened by their legit
worries, and more connected to that which they need not worry about: the love
of family.
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