What parents can do to reverse a child's negative self-image

When 12-year-old Mary* went to an amusement park with her best friend Jane*, she was surprised when Jane didn't want to indulge in an ice cream cone. It wasn't because Jane didn't like ice cream; she didn't want ice cream because, as she put it, 'I'm fat and need to diet.' Jane was a healthy, active 13-year-old girl ? and definitely not overweight.

"This isn't the first time Jane said she was fat," says Mary. "She says it all the time and will skip lunch sometimes. There are several girls in my school who skip lunch because they feel the same way."

Body image is how a child feels about his or her own body. It's not just about feeling fat, it's also about feeling too thin, too short or too tall. It's about feeling ugly and worrying about their glasses or braces or pimples on their skin. They also worry whether or not they will be accepted by their friends simply because of the way they look or even how they dress. It's how what they see when they look in a mirror, not necessarily what the mirror is showing them.

Unfortunately, Jane isn't alone about focusing on her body image. According to a study "Teens Eating Healthy" by Buzz Back Market Research, the vast majority of all teens and, not surprisingly more females than males, agree that "there is a lot of pressure on teens to look a certain way," and that "the media represents an impossible standard of how teens should look."

Just visit your local supermarket and read the tabloids to understand where some of the pressure comes from. Over the summer, there was a barrage of tabloid newspapers screaming with oversized headlines such as "Does She Need To Lose Weight?" "Is She Too Skinny?" and "Hottest Bodies," with pictures of today's hottest young celebrities, including Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

And, at a time when even younger children ? around ages 4 to 7 ? should be focusing on swing sets and learning how to read and write, body image is becoming a primary concern.

"This is the age where children are becoming aware of the differences in bodies ? from the color of their skin to their height and weight," says Emme, supermodel and author of True Beauty: Positive Attitudes and Practical Tips from the World's Leading Plus-Size Model. They are also becoming aware of much more.

Janet Diamante-Koch, a licensed certified social worker, facilitates a six-week self-esteem group for girls at the Children's Counseling Center in New Windsor, because, as she says, many of these young girls are getting inappropriate information.

"I have first graders ? yes, first graders ? who are wearing makeup and dressing older," said Koch. "Sadly we live in an explicit world where media ? music, films and TV ? are giving the girls the wrong idea about body image."

How do you know if your child has a negative body image? A poor body image can lead to low self-esteem, avoidance of activities, feelings of unhappiness and unhealthy behaviors, including anorexia and bulimia.

"Whatever their belief system is about themselves manifests into their gait ? how they approach somebody or retreat from someone," says Theresa Haney, owner and creative arts therapist of Damselfly Center in Red Hook. "We take our bodies with us, and how we feel about ourselves is reflected in our movement. If you are insecure, you might not feel compelled to get up in front of a class and do a great project. You might try to get out of it."

To correct a negative body image, it's important for parents to uncover where the problem started. Believe it or not, the pressure to look a certain way doesn't just come from peers and the media. "The basis of good self-esteem and self-assurance is rooted in what's going on in your home," says Koch.

Parents are the primary role model for children. If, for example, you are constantly talking negatively about your own weight or looks, you are setting your children up for the same negative self-talk. "Teach them that fat is not a feeling," says Emme. "Walking around saying, 'I feel so fat,' is only a description of one's body and that sends a wrong message."

Even if you consider yourself to be a good parent, you could also be unconsciously sending your child the wrong message simply by telling them they are beautiful.

"Saying 'you're beautiful' on just a physical level is not enough," says Emme. "You have to tell your children that they are unique and special, and beautiful. Tell them that you love them for their kindness and support and what you do with the family. It's going beyond complimenting the physicality of your children ? you have to go into their unique qualities."

Koch also explains that if parents don't like the clothes their children are wearing and believe they are contributing to their body image, consider this: "Where did they get the clothes to begin with?" says Koch. "It's never too late to sit with your kids and discuss this issue with them. They aren't going to be happy, but you have the responsibility to do what's right as the parent."

While we can't filter our children from pop culture forever, talking with them about images they see on magazines, TV and in the movies can open the lines of communication. "Ask them how they feel about the celebrity wearing certain clothes and what image it gives," says Emme. "But don't limit these conversations to just the girls in the family. Men have a closeted problem with body image too."

According to Haney, the parent's role in fostering good body image and self-esteem is to also recognize the things that you admire in your child, not just recognize the failures.

"Sometimes what they are failing in gets the constant spotlight, and the successes aren't recognized," says Haney. "Flip that and recognize the great things they are doing."

Although there is an increasingly alarming obesity issue among children in the United States, and it's important to teach your children about healthy eating, diet is not a solution to body image issues. Regardless of what skin your child is in, it's important to start at home and teach your child to love their body regardless of shape or size.

* Names changed

Lisa Iannucci is a freelance writer and mother of three living in Dutchess County.