First Date Disconnects – Tell Me Why?

He’s Just Not That Into You is the book that started the national first-date debate. Yet the pivotal question remains unanswered: Why was there no second date? What turned him or her off? Our inquiry among women and men reveals the key reasons why daters’ first encounters don’t lead to second meetings.

“Right from the get-go, he expected me to make the first moves and pursue him. If the guy isn’t interested enough to pursue me, he’s not my guy. I am liberated; I’ve always earned my own money. Still, I want a man to be a man. I expect him to call me first, to pick me up and treat me like I’m important to him. That’s what I expect, and he’ll get my serious attention. Otherwise – good bye.”

“We sat next to each other at a concert and struck up a conversation. We exchanged phone numbers. She called the next day saying that she was going out of town and wanted to connect before leaving. I thought this was ok; she showed me that she was interested. We had our first date. During dinner she was all over me, promoting upcoming events to attend together. Her pushy ways made me uncomfortable. I like to be the pursuer. If a woman is too available, it turns me off. I never responded to her messages.”

No matter how emancipated we have become, both men and women still have strong feelings about enacting their traditional roles. Women have complained over and over again about the lack of initiative on the part of men; they’re indecisive, giving mixed signals. Many males have suggested that women have become too aggressive, too independent and have lost some of their femininity: “I like a woman to be girlie and cuddly at times.” Both sexes agree that their worst dating experiences were based on Internet encounters when they discovered during that first date that the people had completely misrepresented themselves.

Avoiding disconnects:


  • When on your date, show that you’re genuinely interested in your partner. Guys: please don’t stare at other women. Keep your chauvinism in check.
  • Ladies: don’t interrupt his conversation. Leave your “I’m your equal” attitude at home.

  • While open communication is essential, listening is equally important. Even if you disagree with what he or she says, don’t argue.  Present your point of view in a nice and non-confrontational way.
  • Remember, you’re there to learn about each other. The emphasis is on each other.
  • Guys, while you think it’s not cool to call too quickly for a second date, don’t wait till Thursday if you plan to see her on the weekend. It’s not respectful.
  • Ladies: you’re NOT available when he finally gets around to calling you. No matter what, decline his last-moment effort, so he understands that you have an enjoyable life without him.
  • For both: Don’t just call for a date because you have nothing better to do. Call because you are genuinely interested to get to know the other.
  • Good personal hygiene and a nice appearance are important. Says she: “His teeth were all stained. I knew right away I could never kiss him. And his car was a mess. He clearly didn’t have much respect for himself or me.”
  • Says he: “She is a pretty woman but she wore something very low cut and tons of make-up. I felt embarrassed walking into the restaurant with her where I was known.”
  • Finally, if the chemistry works, always treat your date like you want to be treated. That’s the secret to landing a second date.

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Jacqueline Brandwynne has worked in the health and beauty industry for more than 25 years and is creator of the Very Private line of products. Visit her at