If your sweet, adorable child has reached the age of “No!”,
it’s time for you to learn the humane and necessary art of setting
consequences. Social worker Amy Morin offers guidelines to
cultivate obedience in your children without harsh punishment or ineffectual
threats. These rules can be applied to children of any age, but for special
cases you may encounter with older children, also see our article on setting consequences for teens.
Make clear statements. A consequence is your stated
intention to take action if your child misbehaves. “If you do X, then Y will
happen.” It's not fair to impose a consequence when your child does not yet
know the rules. The times to state future consequences are:
- when you anticipate a possible problem
- when your child is refusing to follow your instructions
- when your child has misbehaved, and you want to prevent a
repeat
Always follow through. Once you've articulated a
consequence, and then your child misbehaves in the way you warned against, you
must follow through, or your future rules will have no effect. Therefore, be
careful about what consequences you select.
Choosing consequences. The stated result of a child's
action should be:
A logical result of the misbehavior. If your child refuses
to eat a nourishing dinner, withholding dessert is a natural result.
Threatening to take away a toy would be unconnected and confusing.
In proportion to the offense. A 10-minute timeout might be
appropriate for a child who shouts at you disrespectfully, but a week without
TV would be excessive and would cause long-term resentment.
Something that does not penalize the parents. If you're
counting on a playdate to give yourself a respite from childcare, and you
threaten to take away the playdate, you are going to suffer, so it's not a good
idea. Canceling events is usually not a good consequence to choose.
Avoid shaming. Never impose a consequence that causes
shame or ridicule. A consequence should be a learning tool, designed to make
children understand that misbehavior causes logical results. When kids
experience the operation of cause and effect, they learn, in the long run, to
practice self-discipline.
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