Barbie gets a bad rap. She’s has been the prime suspect in
crimes against girls’ and women’s self-esteem, followed closely by fashion
designers and photoshop artists. But is she solely to blame?
It’s complicated. Yes, society’s expectations and pop
culture play a role, but for many women, our overall malaise with our bodies
starts much closer to home. We define and judge who we are by what — primarily —
our mothers show and tell us.
Here’s how to make sure you’re sending the right message to
your daughter so that she grows into a strong, resilient woman with healthy
self-esteem:
1. There’s no better role model for your daughter than
you. Are you constantly denigrating your body (or others’)? Always talking
about dieting or exercise? Do you put appearance on a pedestal to the exclusion
of everything else? Yes, we all want to look good but be mindful about the
example you set and the lessons she’s picking up from all that negative body
talk.
Never let her believe that because she’s overweight, she’s
unworthy of your support and none of her other accomplishments matter. She will
spend the rest of her life hungering for your approval and trying to compensate
for that lack in all the wrong places and in truly unhealthy ways. She will
measure herself against those punishing standards for years to come and wonder
why her mother of all people couldn’t love and accept her for who she
was.
Read more: Parents' say has less weight with heavy teens
2. Take a positive approach. Spend some quality
time going through fashion/celebrity magazines or websites and show your
daughter how to identify photo-shopped or otherwise altered images that distort
real women’s bodies. (Hint: a flawlessly smooth contouring line at the
waist, hip or thigh is a dead giveaway that there’s been some digital plastic
surgery going on. It will help her become a more discerning and
self-confident consumer in the process.
Find ways to encourage her to develop her own sense of style
that will bring out her natural beauty and enhance her confidence. Help her find
clothes that fit and flatter — whatever her body type and weight. (Hint:
buying her something in a size too small is not motivating. It’s cruel.) Ask
her to join you in a workout or find a physical activity you both enjoy and can
do together on a regular basis.
And please, oh please, bite your tongue before you nag,
punish or lash out in fat shaming, no matter how frustrated you may get. It
never works. Ever. It will color your relationship long after she grows up and
moves out of your house. And it will not have the positive impact you seek. It
will only make things worse.
Read more: Fast food equals fast weight for teens
3. Make meals a celebration not a battle. Family
time is precious. Serve everyone the same healthy foods in healthy portion
sizes but don’t make an issue of who’s eating what and how much.
Sure, clean out the pantry and don’t bring junk food into
the house. (Seriously, there is not willpower enough to resist it.) But, more
importantly, keep the conversation away from food or weight. Treat the dinner
hour as a time for nourishing minds and manners, not serving up more misery.
Read more: Communicating with your adolescent
4. Be the mother you wish you had. Nurture
yourself (and your children) with the love and support you may not have
received but always wanted. Support your self-worth and theirs by learning how
to dismiss external judgments and find approval from within. Forgive and let go
of the past (you can’t change it anyway) and put your energy into what you
can influence—the present moment and (maybe) the future.
Take charge of your own transformation. Your daughter will
take her cues from you.
5. Create a safe haven. Our culture says, “Be
thin.” Our commercial interests say, “Eat this. Drink that.” There are mean
girls and interfering institutions that do more harm than good with public
weigh-ins and institutional shaming.
Advocate for your daughter by educating her about what is
true and real by giving her the emotional wherewithal to deal with bullies
outside the home. And take a stand against well meaning but wholly ineffective
policies that impose one-size-fits-all metrics on young girls and women. Show
her that you’re her champion and that you will work through this together.
6. Listen for the subtext. When your daughter
comes to you and asks, “Am I fat?” don’t answer right away. Think about the
context. Maybe it’s her way to start a conversation about something else that’s
bothering her about her body or her life and her weight is an easy
conversational hook.
Whatever her motivation, listen and find a way to reassure
and prove to her that she can talk to you. About anything. Without judgment.
Because one day it may be about something far bigger than the numbers on a
scale. You want to build that trust today so she can talk to you throughout her
life.
7. Love means always being able to say you’re sorry. We
always want to do right by our kids and when it comes to weight, we are afraid
of saying the wrong thing. Not talking, ignoring the “elephant in the room” is
not the solution. It creates more angst and stigma. Sometimes you will say or
do the wrong thing and if you do, don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” Apologize
sincerely and work to find a more loving and helpful way to address the problem
(e.g. Health, not weight. Confidence, not calories.)
Don’t let the paradox of perfect parenthood be a barrier to
being there when your child needs you.
8. Outsource the cure. We all practice selective
deafness. And if you and your daughter seem to be stuck in the same unhealthy
patterns, don’t hesitate to ask for professional help. Sometimes the very same
thing you’ve said over and over again resonates better and is much more
palatable when it comes from someone else (i.e. not her mom).
An objective source with the right experience and manner can
provide a new perspective and a safe space where you and your daughter can find
new, more loving ways to heal the wounds, move forward and perhaps, one day, be
the best of friends.
Susan Bodiker
founded One Girl Wellness to
help girls and women overcome the image disorders that eat away at their self-esteem
and keep them from engaging confidently in their world. Her new e-book, "Fat Girl: How To Let Go of Your Weight and Get On With Your Life" is now on sale.