Children
may learn a great deal in school, but far and away their most important
teachers are their parents and other family members. In classrooms, they gain
academic knowledge, and even acquire invaluable social skills, but at home,
with their families, they will copy behaviors both positive and negative.
Of course
we want to keep things as positive as possible, and we want our kids to
constructively learn how to deal with the negatives by looking at our good
example. But in this final stretch of the winter of the pandemic, with
continued isolation, that can be more of a challenge. Luckily, Matt Schneiderman at Fatherly is here to help with five easy tips on how to
recognize when a difficult emotional situation is imminent, and how to either
avoid it, or deal with it in a healthful way.
First off,
he reminds us of the costs of insufficient emotional regulation: “If we let our
emotions control us, they do just that: angry, our hearts race and there are
strong changes in our breathing. Too little — if we clamp down on emotions
as they arise — can lead to worsened mental and physical health.”
Suppression
is particularly bad for men, although Schneiderman says it’s “often a go-to
strategy for men.” But studies show people who suppressing emotions “do poorly
on memory tests, or worse. Long-term, suppression leads to cardiovascular and
mental health problems.”
So how
about those tips to help find a happy medium?
1.
Situation selection
This is
basically being more mindful of what situations you allow yourself to be in.
Often, this is not in our control, but when it is, choose wisely.
Schneiderman’s interviewee, Dr. James Gross, Director of the Stanford
Psychophysiology Laboratory and a leading expert in emotion regulation, puts it
this way: “If you’re thinking about going to beach but it’s a long drive and
there’s traffic, versus the park or zoo which is not a long drive, and if
they’re about even as to how fun it’ll be for the kids, pick the option in
which you don’t drive.”
2. Situation
modification
Rather
than blow up, modify the situation. For instance, Schneiderman says, “When
stay-at-home orders are in effect, and your kids are in each others’ faces and
getting on each others’ nerves, separate them.”
READ MORE: Win yourself back from stress
3.
Attention deployment
Gross puts
it this way: “Change your attention and you change your emotion. Attention is a
vehicle for achieving your emotional regulation goals — shifting towards or
away from one aspect of the situation.”
4.
Cognitive change
Change
your thinking. If your child is whining, rather than react, think about how
hard the pandemic is on them.
5. Response modulation
Basically,
breathe deeply. Accept what’s happening, but rather than fight it, or let it
take you over, breathe through it. “It’s the idea that you are trying to change
the output of your emotions,” Gross says.
Good luck!
We’ll get through this.
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