As parents of two daughters, my husband and I have hopes for an open, honest and healthy lifelong relationship with our girls. As they grow up, we continue to assure them that they can come to us to discuss anything,
at any time.
According to Naama Bloom, author of HelloFlo: The Guide, Period, the trick to raising girls who are comfortable and confident in their skin is starting the dialogue yourself rather than waiting for your daughter to take the lead.
1. Your happiness is important
Sacrificing one's personal needs in order to make others happy can be a wonderful thing once in a while. We teach our daughters to be generous and selfless, but it is important that they realize their wants shouldn't be ignored.
Laura Bagnarol, Stormville resident and founder of Be Big Be Brave, noticed her two daughters, ages 6 and 10, habitually putting their own desires aside in order to avoid fights with their 8-year-old brother. "It didn't sit right with me," Bagnarol explains. In response to her daughter's behavior, Bagnarol frequently reminds them, "While it's good to be selfless, you deserve happiness, too!"
Marnie McKnight-Favell (left) encourages her daughter
to see her body as strong and capable along her journey
to womanhood.
2. How to deal with mean girls
Girl drama is real, and that's the hard truth. As a result, I have always felt that teaching my daughters ways to appropriately handle peer drama and mean girls should definitely be an ongoing conversation. In the case of my 12-year-old daughter Saige, I feel our discussions centering on avoiding, shutting down, or reporting social drama have been an incredibly worthwhile endeavor. I've noticed a difference in her stress level (way down!) and happiness quotient (way up!) from what it was when she started school.
I have recently attempted to teach my 4-year-old daughter Sophia a concept quite difficult for the egocentric preschooler to understand. I want her to learn that sometimes, a person isn't going to give you the reaction you want, and you cannot force them to do so.
Carolyn Fulton of New Paltz engages in similar talks with her 4-year-old daughter. "Just today, we talked about how you can be really angry at someone you love, but that doesn't mean you've stopped loving them," Fulton explains. "It's such a hard point to drive home to a 4-year-old, as they live completely in the present moment!"
Last week, Sophia came home from school quite upset. Apparently, she had told a classmate, "you're my best friend," and in response, her classmate turned away and ignored her. Now I will admit, as Sophia climbed onto my lap and blurted out through tears, "She wouldn't even let me give her a hug!" my heart ached for my sad little girl.
Katie Illardi teaches her children the correct names for
body parts to build a sense of normalcy and comfort about
that body part and the words.
However, while I consoled and cuddled her, I also took advantage of the moment.
"Sometimes," I say, "a friend doesn't want a hug. Maybe she just wanted to be left alone, like you do sometimes. Right?"
Sophia nods. I beam. She's getting it!
"If your friend doesn't want you to hug her," I continue, "You can't hug her. Just leave her alone, and try talking to her again tomorrow."
3. Consent
The talk I had with Sophia about hugging her classmate incorporated not only the topic of peer conflict, but also the all-important notion of consent. For Karen Teig-Morris of Walden, who has a 4-year-old daughter with high functioning autism, conversations regarding consent occur frequently. "My daughter craves physical attention, hugs, kisses and gentle squeezes," Teig-Morris explains. "So, we spend time discussing boundaries, 'personal bubbles,' and asking permission to hug others. Though quite articulate for her age, my daughter requires constant behavioral reminders. She doesn't catch social cues from others often, either."
And even at the youngest ages, consent can be taught to children. Felicity Taylor of New Paltz uses a simple, easy-to-remember phrase with her 5-year-old daughter: "my body, my rules." Additionally, modeling consent can also be an effective path to conceptual comprehension. "At bath time, I would ask for my kids' permission before washing their different body parts, rather than just doing it," Bagnarol explains.
A critical component of conversations about consent is to define safe and unsafe touches with kids. These discussions are of tremendous importance to have no matter what a child's age. Additionally, these talks should never be solely a one-shot deal, and instead be revisited numerous times throughout a young person's childhood years.
4. Know your body
Within discussions regarding consent, and particularly safe and unsafe touches, it is paramount that we as parents use anatomically correct names to refer to body parts. Personally, though I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, I admit to struggling with it in practice after Saige was first born. In fact, during the first several years of Saige's life, I referred to a vagina as a "crotch," simply due to being too squeamish to say vagina.
Thankfully, I got over my aversion quickly, and while Saige was still pretty young. After hearing my then three-year-old call her vagina her "front butt," I was pretty mortified.
Katie Illardi of Poughkeepsie firmly believes in the importance of teaching kids the correct names for body parts. "It builds a sense of normalcy about both the body part and the word," Illardi explains. "By using correct names, I hope that my daughter will never feel uncomfortable describing a health issue to her doctor, and be proud of her body, not ashamed."
Karen Teig-Morris (left) has to explain consent often to
her daughter with autism who loves physical contact.
Marnie McKnight-Favell of Poughkeepsie adamantly believes in complete openness regarding her daughter's curiosity surrounding periods. From when her daughter was very young, McKnight-Favell both encouraged and responded to her daughter's questions with enthusiasm.
"Normalizing menstruation from day one, along with helping my daughter view the female body as strong, capable, and amazing has defined our journey towards womanhood," says McKnight-Favell. She adds, "It is my duty to encourage her to love and appreciate her body, along with its strength and power. Over the years, I have always made sure to model positive self-body talk in her presence. To me, it's just part of one long open conversation."
Other moms sound off! We asked parents: What is the most important lesson to teach your daughter?
Smash the patriarachy! — Elke L.
Self-respect. — Stephanie X.
Love yourself first. — Pamela P.
To stand tall, raise their hand, speak up and walk in their truth, not someone else's version of their truth. — Athena C.
That girls can do anything that men/boys can do! — Katie R.
That it is okay to be a strong, hard working mom. — Heather D.
To be a strong, amazing woman who always chases her dreams! — Erica
H.
Raise others up rather than tearing them down, look out for one another and respect differences. — Ariana P.
Be proud of your awesome self and don't let others knock you down. — Heather M.
Dare to be different! Throw away the notion of fitting in and forge your own path in life. — Roxanne F.
Jill Valentino is a wife, mom of two, elementary educator, and lifelong resident of the Hudson Valley.